The cliff face

Using this metaphor yesterday, regarding artistic issues that are difficult to tackle, was no random choice. It makes reference to something I did when I was very young.One summer when I was, I guess, eleven years old, I went to Matlock in Derbyshire. There was a course organized by the Royal School of Church Music. It was an intensive one, lasting two weeks, with all sorts of practices and concerts. I had quickly to learn and sing an aria – “Art thou troubled” by Handel. Anyway, we were given one day off and had to fend for ourselves. I went for a long walk on my own – somewhere behind the college where we were staying. I climbed and climbed for a long time and saw no one. It was rocky and eventually became, more or less, a cliff face. Quite daunting. I returned to our base in the early evening and joined the others . Then I realised I had done something odd. Everyone else had hung together or gone out with their parents. I had chosen to be alone, and also to put myself into danger.Nowadays I guess one wouldn’t allow a boy to roam like that (with all the nutty men there are around…………)In truth, I wasn’t in much danger, but the point is, I was isolated and eventually became uncomfortable. So the other day, when I was meditating on the issue of artistic goals, the image came to me of that cliff face, plus a warning not to be so presumpteous. I think we (certainly I) have a tendency to presume that very difficult artistic problems can be solved. There’s an arrogance there. I see it in myself. And if you go with that, then there is a foolishness lying in wait for you.I was puzzled by what I had done on that day alone. But it was a momentary puzzlement. I don’t believe childhood is a great time for philosophy. Feelings yes, but philosophy, not so much.I must add something to this. It is in answer to an anticipated question – an adult puzzlement. Why am I so often enquiring into myself? Isn’t it narcissistic? Well, it possibly seems so, but the truth is that I am trying to create music and that entails a very big enquiry. It’s not just a matter of finding out how the bass clarinet works, it’s a matter of finding out how I work. I am also a sort of instrument – one that I am still learning to play…………If it weren’t for that, life would be very different. Beer and sandwiches on the beach? Well, that’s somebody else’s fantasy, not mine. A somebody who has been here all along, like a ghost, and who will, perhaps, eventually appear. Or perhaps not.